General ARex Encounters A Mary Sue
by GeneralARex
Summary: Yes, this IS a self-insertion, I was bored and wanted to get involved. Basically what happens is that I was fiddling around on the computer and all of the sudden, the LOTR characters plus a Mary Sue are in my family room. And since I'm such a little weirdo; I'm going to give the Mary Sue absolute hell. It's more of a sarcastic humor. Hope you enjoy the insanity and references. GAR
1. Installment One: The Prelude

Short summary before the insanity begins: I didn't have to be at work and I had nothing to do at home. So while I was fumbling around on this site looking for some parodies to read, I decided to do my own, because I am just that bored.

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of The Lord of the Rings or the songs used in this fan fiction. Why would I anyway? What would I do with them?

Installment One – The Prelude

Location: My bedroom, in my house, Arizona

Date: July 28, 2012

Time: 3:41 P.M.

It was a very quiet day today. I didn't have to go to work at The Riding Center, my last day at the Animal League was yesterday, and my parents were watching my brother's belt test for martial arts, which I decided to not go to since I had already seen one of his belt tests, and I also wanted to stay home no matter how mind numbingly boring it was.

This was actually pretty normal; me staying at home on the computer doing absolutely _nothing_ unless it involved something I enjoyed. My walk around the town had to be postponed because there was a storm coming. Sometimes I hate the monsoon season. The only time it was so _beastly_ hot here in Arizona during the summer months, and a storm just has to come along and ruin my plans for the day.

My iPod was softly playing the soothing sounds of 80's Pop on Pandora, and every so often; I would tear my eyes away from the glowing screen of my computer and hit the thumbs up button on my iPod and then right down the name of the band and the song that was playing in my Sacred Journal, and then I would resume my previous actions. It became quite tedious after a while, and sometimes I would forget to do it; I was just so wrapped up in these parodies.

Yes, I said parodies. I was reading The Lord of the Rings Mary Sue parodies on FanFiction: yippee-kai-yay for me, huh? Some of these parodies were pretty darn funny, for I was smiling every so often. Other than me being a complete nerd, nothing else was new.

That is, until AC/DC's "You Shook Me All Night Long" came over Pandora.

"Holy crabapples, _yes_." I said, stopping my actions immediately and thumbing up the song and writing it down for later, whilst doing this, I was silently singing along with the lead singer. I don't bother learning names; I'm just there for the music.

After writing down the reminder in my semi-cryptic scrawl that my World History teacher compared to hieroglyphics, I continued reading the fan fiction I was currently reading, not giving a damn for the rest of the world.

After several songs and parodies later, I was running out of parodies. I sighed; thinking about how much time I must have wasted. I spun around in my computer chair to look out the window to see if it had started raining yet. And to my distaste; it wasn't. How typical. You see the lightning, you hear the thunder, you see the blackened clouds, and you get no _frickin'_ rain. Keep in mind, this is _Arizona_, and it's supposed to be the monsoon season, so can we get some rain for the poor Santa Cruz River? That thing only actually had flowing water in it for one day, can we make it two please?

"I hate you, Arizona." I growled at the window watching a flash of lightning tear across the sky, cutting the black clouds like a knife. My parakeet, Conn, half-screeched as if in agreement, that bird made me laugh sometimes.

Right when Whitesnake started playing one of my favorite songs – "Here I Go Again" – my dog, Skipper, started barking furiously like he did when the horrid rock pigeons and grackles invaded his backyard. I yawned; nothing unusual there, Skipper always barks at the birds in the backyard.

Something about his barking threw me off though; it would've faded when he went outside to chase them off. Another thing was, whenever the sky grew dark like it was, the birds would all fly away to their nests, anticipating the rain themselves. My brow furrowed as I unplugged my iPod from the charger, closed my Journal, and descended the stairs to see what my dog was barking at.

As I was going down the stairs, I was wondering if maybe my parents and brother had returned home and I just didn't hear them come in. Thinking harder on that, I would've heard them open and shut the door, since none of them had a garage door opener. Just to confirm my thoughts, I halted halfway down the stairs – for my stairs rounded a corner – and went back up to my parents room to look out their side window which overlooked one of the busy streets where our jeep and Prizm would be located on the edge of the sidewalk. I opened the blinds just enough so I could see out and as expected; neither one of the cars were there. Furrowing my brow again, I resumed my original mission to see what Skipper had been barking at.

_Had._ That would be the key word. Skipper had stopped barking, so now I have no idea what it could've been. If it had been a cat he had saw, he would keep barking until someone told him to shut up. I whistled to Skipper while descending the stairs again.

I normally look at my shoes when I go down the stairs, since I have history of falling down the stairs because I don't look where I'm going and sometimes miss the steps, slip and fall down the stairs. Either way; I didn't know what was waiting for me in my family room; I don't think my sanity was either. It only took me a nanosecond to register what was in my house and what my dog was barking at.

So how is it? This is my first attempt at something like this, so please tell me how it is.

General A-Rex


	2. Installment Two: Goodbye Sanity

Installment Two – Goodbye Sanity

Location: The family room, in my house, Arizona

Date: July 28, 2012

Time: 4:34 P.M.

"What the buckeyes?" I muttered, staring at what had mysteriously appeared in the middle of my house. Like I said, it only took me a nanosecond to know what was in my house because I was a nerd like that. I was staring at The Fellowship of the Ring, in my house, but something wasn't right. There was another person with them.

This person was a woman, I could tell. Most people would say that she held extraordinary beauty, but I'm different. I'm hard to impress, and physical beauty _ain't_ going to cut it. However, for the sake of this fan fiction, I shall describe her to you, I apologize ahead of time if this description will just be _overflowing_ with sarcasm, but that's how _ridiculous_ I found the situation.

This woman had long blonde hair down to her waist, along with _shockingly_ bright eyes of the inhuman color of violet. She was very slender and fair skinned that held no flaws _whatsoever_ and she also had curves and waist size that would be the envy of every model you will ever meet. She also carried a sword, a longbow complete with a quiver full of arrows, a few daggers at her side, and I was pretty sure she had some other weapons on her, too.

Not surprisingly, the woman spoke up instead of Gandalf, "Hello there," I cringed at her voice. It sounded like a thousand tinkling bells, and it sounded almost musical, a little too much so for me, for I was already listening to Dexy's Midnight Runners. She didn't seem to notice my reflexive reaction to her voice as she continued talking, "my friends and I mysteriously appeared in your home, but we were just in a valley traveling to destroy something that would quite potentially kill everyone in the world –"

Me being a smart aleck, I just _had_ to say something, "Are you talking about the Taliban? I thought the U.S. military was already hell-bent on doing that already."

The woman ignored my remark and steamrollered right over me, "We do not know where we are, would you mind telling us so that we can continue our journey?"

I rolled my eyes, "I can tell you this, Dorothy, you ain't in Kansas no more. You're in Arizona, one of the hottest states in the United States of America. I guarantee you, this is _nothing_ like Middle Earth."

The woman seemed to be disgruntled when I called her Dorothy, because she scowled at me and said in a huffy voice, "My name is not Dorothy –"

I cut her off yet again, "Sure it isn't _Dorothy_." I smiled, I loved pushing buttons.

"I told you already, my name is not Dorothy!"

Aragorn stopped her this time, "We are not in Middle Earth?"

"That's what I said, Aragorn." I replied, making it clear that I knew their names.

"You know our names?" Pippin raised his eyebrows into his hairline.

I turned to him, "I know all of your names, what your intentions are, where you're going, and what you are planning on doing."

Gandalf seemed surprised, "How?"

"Middle Earth is a fictional place here. Nothing but a mere story, none of you exist here. You all were created by a man who had one _hell_ of an imagination. Middle Earth and all of the people and stories behind it are all tales here." I explained shrugging my shoulders and yawning. After my little episode on the stairs, I was calm again.

"Can you show us how to get back then?" The woman spoke up again.

"Read the shirt lady," I point to the black T-Shirt I was wearing under my over sized jacket. It said 'I-Don't-Care-o-Meter' with the needle pointing toward -20. The woman read my shirt and was obviously disgusted at what I did. Ignoring it, I continued, "and shouldn't you be asking the _wizard_ that?" I hated putting a burden on Gandalf's shoulders, but I had no idea how they got there in the first place. Only my dog knew, but we all know that dogs can't speak English aside from Mishka. "And if he doesn't know, I hope you can speak dog, then." I pointed to Skipper, who was standing beside me warily staring at the unwelcome newcomers, occasionally letting out a low growl or a soft woof.

"What is _your_ name anyway?" I asked pointing to the woman, "_You_, however, _aren't_ part of the original story that Mr. Tolkien had created so many years ago, so I don't know you."

The woman's eyes sparkled as I gave her attention, but she didn't answer my question. Instead, she _demanded_ – not asked; demanded – that I tell her my name. With a yawn and another roll of my eyes, I told her my name.

"Alex. Now you."

She gave me a name that I honestly _could not_ pronounce even if my life depended on it. When she told me her name, my eyebrows slowly disappeared into my hat. I couldn't believe this woman, she actually expected me to try to remember and pronounce a name like that? Oh, wait, that was expected, my bad. Since this woman was pretty much the _epitome_ of all Mary Sues aside from Bella Swan and Enoby. I just decided to call her Mary, regretting it almost immediately when I thought of my Aunt Mary. She didn't like it when I told her that I was just going to call her Mary. I didn't expect her to.

I yawned again. Where were all these yawns coming from anyway? _Sheesh_. Popping my neck the best I could – in doing so, I got a few looks from the Fellowship – hearing the satisfying cracks, I made my way to the kitchen, deciding that I was hungry.

"You guys need to figure out a way out of here, my parents will be home any minute and they'll call the cops if you don't clear out." I said not looking over my shoulder.

"How will we get back though?" Sam asked.

I shrugged again, "I don't know, but we'll figure something out. What do you guys remember before you ended up in my family room?"

Boromir spoke up this time, finally the guy says something; he's awesome, "We were just setting up camp for the night, we had found a cave because it looked like it was going to rain, much like it does here now. Then, there was a bright flash of light. It momentarily blinded us all. Just like any other person, we all closed our eyes, and then we could hear a dog barking. When we opened our eyes, we were here." He explained.

My eyebrows found their way back to their place above my eyes as I said, "That's kind of weird." I walked around the countertops and stood in front of them.

"We'll figure something out. However, can I say goodbye to my sanity first?"


	3. Installment Three: Shut up, Mary

Installment Three – Shut up, Mary

Location: My backyard, Arizona

Date: July 28, 2012

Time: 4:45 P.M.

I had moved everyone to my backyard; there were more places to sit down and there was more space in general. It still wasn't pouring yet, and I silently cursed Arizona for its delay. Everyone had managed to find a place to sit down that wasn't in the grass, since they were my guests for now, I decided to stand.

Skipper came outside with us, still keeping an eye on the Fellowship. I really can't say I blame the poor dog, these guys look nothing like anyone else that has ever entered the house before, but the fact that I had welcomed them put him at slight ease. Skipper slowly walked over to Frodo.

"Does he bite?" Frodo asked.

I laughed slightly, "At first I thought you were going to ask if he was a pig having an identity crisis. No, he doesn't bite; you should be more worried about his bark." As if to confirm what I said, Skipper softly woofed at Frodo while he sniffed at his hand. I continued on about Skipper's antics just so there would be no questions about him later, "He's going to want to sniff at you all, my family calls it the 'sniff-check', he's just checking if you're worthy enough to be guests."

"Normally it is the people that live in the home that call that judgment." Legolas remarked.

"I know, but unless it's a girl scout, we pretty much welcome anyone that walks through our door, he's just double checking." I replied.

When Skipper had "sniff-checked" everyone, including Mary, I opened the sliding glass to let him back in the house. "Okay then, let's brainstorm. You guys got here by a brilliant white flash of light, and I saw a vicious flash of lightning. Right after that flash, Skipper started barking at you guys."

"So it was lightning that brought us here?" Merry asked.

"I'm pretty sure; I don't know what could cause a bright flash of white light in Middle Earth other than lightning." I replied.

"That's true." Boromir agreed, putting a hand to his face as if he were thinking.

My brain hatched an idea, since my parents should be home soon, and they can't stay here, I figured out a place to abscond so we can discuss the matters at hand, "Alright guys, gather your provisions, we're going for a walk."

"A walk?" Gimli barked, "How will that solve this?"

"It won't, but it may give us some ideas, and also," I turned back around, "remember what I said about my family coming back and you guys weren't gone?" They all nodded, "Well, if we can't slow them down, we can go somewhere else. Let's go, it's not far." I rounded the corner to my side yard where my dad's tomatoes and cucumbers grew, the family garden.

"But what about the people of your world?" Mary asked frantically, looking around my backyard, "You said we were fictional here, how will they react?" I wanted to say to her, _'Shut up and march'_, but I wasn't one for making enemies…_or was I?_

"I don't know how they'll react Mary; let's just hope no one looks out their windows." I opened up the back gate slightly and looked out towards my neighbor's house. He was normally out in the garage with his two dogs working on something at this time; fortunately he wasn't. Then; I just remembered something; I should probably take some things myself.

"Hold up," the Fellowship stopped in their tracks, and Sam took this time to observe my dad's plants. I pivoted on my feet to face them. I swear; if these guys knew better, they would've said that I would be dancing to "Thriller" that was playing from my pants pocket. I'm glad they didn't know better, but I knew they could hear it. "I need to go get some things from my room, stay here; it shouldn't take more than a few minutes." I slipped past them in the limited space of my side yard filled with plants. I nearly tripped over some of their _finely_ placed feet in the process, and nearly stepped on some others. I'm glad I didn't; these combat boots aren't exactly the _lightest_ of the bunch.

"What are we supposed to do?" Mary called after me, didn't I say that already?

I didn't answer; I was already in my house and running up the stairs. When I rounded the corner leading to my room; I pretty much kicked my door so it would open more and made a beeline to the drawers of my desk. I was looking for my holy water. I wasn't religious at all, but I had received the small bottle of holy water at church almost five years ago, and my friends and I had a running joke that holy water was really some sort of acid that burned non believers within the church. I smiled at my plan. I shoved it in my pocket the best I could, while with my other hand I pulled out my phone to text my mom that I was going for a walk and that I'll be back at 6:30. Right when I sent the message, Mary popped out of nowhere.

"Alex?" If I jumped any higher, my head would've been caught in the ceiling fan, "Should we leave soon?"

I looked at my watch; it was 4:51, I darted up the stairs at 4:49. I was only gone _two minutes_! I lowered my wrist and glared at Mary, "I was gone only _two minutes_, are you _really_ that impatient?"

"I just thought that we should go soon, you said yourself that your parents should be home soon." Mary retorted.

"_Two. Stinking. Minutes. Mary._ I was gone for two minutes; a girl can only run so fast to grab one item that might be of use." I growled, pushing past her to go back down the stairs. Typical Mary Sue, breaking the rules and being defiant, thinking they did nothing wrong. I hope the holy water is still holy.

"If it were _me_, we'd would've been gone by now." Mary scoffed.

"If it were _you_, I would've _shot_ you." I growled under my breath.

"What did you say?" Mary half-screamed, Conn in the backyard, screeched as well as if to mimic her. That bird made me proud just then.

"I don't know, what did I say?" I argued, "Knowing your kind, you probably have a heightened sense of hearing, so you tell me what I said if you think you're so superior." I pulled out my iPod and reluctantly paused my music, Pandora couldn't function without Wi-Fi, and there was no Wi-Fi at the park. I was really hoping that my remark would shut her up. Unfortunately though, it didn't.

"I couldn't hear you. Isn't that the _point_ in asking? You know, of all the people's homes we could have appeared in, you were the _worst_ choice! Do you even _know_ how to get us back home?" She rambled on and on and on, and I decided to tune her out. She was really beginning to sound like a Sue now. She was getting all defensive over a silly comment I made that she couldn't hear.

I yawned again despite the current events and went back out the back door and rejoined the Fellowship in the side yard. Mary had stopped beside Legolas – wow, _shocker_ – and was immediately silenced – wow, _another_ shocker – I raised an eyebrow toward Mary and rolled my eyes again, walking away. Once I got to the open gate, I turned to face the Fellowship.

"All right then," I called out, "It's not a long walk, probably only about ten to fifteen minutes if we go at my speed." I turned around and walked out the gate, the rest of them following me.

I noticed some of the hobbits staring in awe at a car that was parked conveniently next to my house. I whistled sharply to get their attention. When they were looking at me I waved my hand for them to keep up. It wasn't long, though, before Pippin asked about what he saw.

"Alex, what sort of thing is that?" he asked, pointing back toward the car.

"It's a car," I answered, "basically my world's version of an upgraded horse."

"You do not use horses here?" Boromir asked.

"Not really, the only time we do is if we're in a sport that involves them like show jumping and polo and barrel races, or just for pleasure riding like trail rides." I explained, "This world is a lot more advanced technologically than yours."

There weren't too many questions asked after that, just some things about how fast can cars go and if there were still some people riding horses when we have those things. I told them that there were people still riding horses not as a sport.

"I'm one of them actually." I said.

"You are?" A few of them asked in unison.

"Yeah, I've been riding horses for about seven years now, and now I'm teaching other people around my age how to ride horses." I explained.

"Do you have your own horse?" Legolas asked.

I laughed, _everyone_ asks me that, "No, I don't actually, you're not the first to ask me that, either. But there are some horses where I work that I have worked with and ridden for years now. Besides, it's like my boss always tells me; 'the cheapest part of having a horse, is _buying_ the horse.' Horses cost some big money here."

The questions stopped for another couple of minutes, so it was silent and I was able to listen to my music in peace. Some of the members started talking amongst themselves for a while, others just kept to themselves. I looked over my shoulder and noticed Mary glaring daggers at me. Why? I have _no_ idea.

Remembering our little argument back at the house, I slowed down and walked beside Gandalf, I wanted to ask him some things about Mary Sue.

"Hey Gandalf?"

"Hm," he turned his head towards me giving me his attention.

"How did Mary come into the Fellowship anyway? Was she even at the Council?" I asked him. He seemed surprised that I know about the Council for a minute, but then relaxed. I guess he remembered that Middle Earth and their quest was just a story here.

"Same as all of us." He answered, "Although, she does possess some skills I have yet to figure out how or why she has them."

"What do you mean?"

"She can perform magic, yet she is not a wizard. She can wield a blade better than Aragorn, Boromir, and myself combined; so she says. She can also beat Legolas at archery, which came as a surprise to us all. She also claims she can foretell our futures, but she has yet to prove it." Gandalf explained, keeping his voice low.

"Strange." I said. Thinking about it now, I might as well tell him, "Listen, in this world, we have what people refer to as fan fictions. This means that when they write, they are writing a story within the actual story itself. Rewriting it so to speak."

Gandalf almost looked shocked, "What about the original story?"

"Your stories have already been written by Mr. Tolkien." I explained. "They can't rewrite the original, they can only write their own based off the original."

"Right."

"And sometimes people insert their own characters into the stories they make, this leaves the door wide open for possibilities of what they might do. Some of these stories where new characters are inserted can be good, some _horribly_ bad. Sometimes, the character the author writes about sometimes turns into or is what's called a _Mary Sue_. This means that they are extremely talented, sometimes extremely defiant; it all depends on what kind of person is writing the fan fiction. It also seems that they have no flaws."

Gandalf nodded showing that he understood so far.

I continued on, "And most of the time in these, the fan fiction author will 'pair' their characters with another, making it a romance between the two. Sometimes, they make the original characters fall in love with the fan fiction author's character. Sometimes in these fictions; it's more than one character. It's all their fantasy."

"Why would they do such a thing?" Gandalf asked.

"It's their _fantasy_, they _want_ it to happen, but they know it won't because storybook characters are fictional." I replied.

Gandalf nodded and looked over his shoulder at Mary, "Do you think that she could be one of them?"

I looked over my shoulder to see Mary deep in conversation with Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, and Frodo – some of the most popular choices for a romance fiction, "I _know_ she is, Gandalf. I don't _think_ these things, I _know_." I muttered darkly, "And I fear that she has put them into some sort of comatose, they don't know what they're saying to her, and they can't control their emotions for her."

Gandalf's eyes widened, "If they are, how will we break them of it?"

"I have a plan," I replied, pulling the holy water from my pocket and handing it to him, "this is holy water, in religious views it is used to repel demons. Now, I'm not religious; but I have been to church enough times to gain some knowledge."

"How do you know this will work?" Gandalf asked.

"I don't," I answered, taking back the water, "I'm just hoping it works for the sake of your quest."

I spoke to Gandalf a little more of my plan before we reached the park I was leading them to. To my relief; no one was there. I led them over to the ramada they had on the park grounds and told everyone to get comfortable; it was going to be a long discussion how to get back.

All eleven of us were brainstorming for a good thirty minutes, I had even begun to take notes in my Sacred Journal that I snatched and hid before we set off. Everyone was cooperating nicely until Mary opened her big mouth again.

"Not to be _rude_, Alex, but all of the ideas that you are coming up with, do you even _know_ that they'll work?" Mary chided me. I swear, with her tone of voice it sounded like she was putting me down.

"Would you like to try that sentence again?" I asked. In truth, _she_ was being rude.

"What? Why would I say something that I already said?" She challenged me.

"Because when you said 'not to be rude' you actually were being rude because you interrupted me. So, I'll say it again; would you like to try that sentence again?" I spat. "You also doubt me in saying that my ideas are no good and they won't get you home. These are _brainstorms_, Mary. I don't see _you_ coming up with anything." I added.

"I _know_ my ideas will get us home, thank you." Oh Gershwin, here we go again.

"Okay then," I threw my pen down on the table, taking everyone by surprise by my sudden violence towards Mary, "what do you suggest then? For all of us to go to Michigan and see if the _Paulding Light_ can help us? Or maybe go into an abandoned mine and _collapse_ from the carbon monoxide levels? Or – or maybe even getting hit by a car? You know, that actually sounds like a good idea Mary, maybe if you get hit by a car, you'll be back in Middle Earth." I ended my rant by slamming my head down on the table, making everyone look at me.

"Miss Alex? Are you all right?" Sam asked.

I laughed slightly, picking my head off the table, "_No_." I slammed my head down again, and I felt a hand on my shoulder, I knew who it was.

"_Listen_," I ended my bout of self-harm and picked my head up again, rubbing my forehead. Before I could discuss the seriousness of the situation, Mary steamrollered me yet again.

"I was thinking that maybe, if we go to those mountains over there," she pointed to the Santa Rita Mountains in the distance, "Maybe we can find something or someone there that will be able to get us back."

I scowled, "That's very vague you know." Mary clenched her fists and glared at me, "And by car, it takes about twenty to thirty minutes to get to Madera Canyon, which is at the _bottom_ of the Santa Rita's, and who knows how long to get to Mount Hopkins. I can't legally drive, even if I could, I don't have a car big enough to get all of us there unless it was a _bus_, which I can't legally drive anyhow. I told my mother I would be back by 6:30, it's 5:10 now. Walking there, it will take us about _eight hours_ to get to Madera Canyon on the shortest route, to Mount Hopkins; it will take us almost _fourteen_ hours walking." I ranted on. Some of the Fellowship members were surprised that I knew how long it would take us to get there. "I'm _not_ sorry, but I will _not_ make my parents call the police on me saying that I'm missing."

Mary kept glaring at me and continued, "Then _you_ can go home, and _we_ can go up to the mountains."

I scoffed, "I would _really_ like to see you travel _all that way_ without getting stopped by someone or even run over by a car, those metal monsters aren't slow y'know, and there are some even _bigger_ ones than what Pippin pointed out not so long ago."

Mary was _so_ close to killing me, "Then what do _you_ suggest? You think you're ideas are so much better?"

I pinched the bridge of my nose, "They are _brainstorms_ Mary, I _don't_ know that they'll work, they are merely _ideas_, do you not know the meaning?"

"Well I just think –"

"_Shut UP_, Mary Sue!" I shouted, "I don't _care_ what you _think_! Just _shut UP_!" Everyone's eyes widened at me, surprised that I had raised my voice at her. Mary had it coming honestly, she was pushing my buttons, and she pushed me too far.

_I had no flip-flopping clue what I had gotten myself into._

**Author's Ramble:  
**

**To be honest; I know there's not a whole lot of Sue torment in this chapter. However, I did think that me getting into an argument with the Sue would be a fun idea. Also, I decided this morning that this would turn into a Sue-Slayer sort of thing. Review if you think it's a good idea, because if it is; I have a whole slew of ideas swarming like wasps in my head. It's giving me a headache there's so many.  
**


	4. Installment Four: The Power of Christ

Installment Four – The Power of Christ Compels You!

Location: One of many parks, Arizona

Date: July 28, 2012

Time: 5:15 P.M.

Mary started getting a fiery glow about her, her hair started flowing around her as if she were under water and her lips were curled back into a catlike snarl. Her fists clenched and her eyebrows drawn low above her eyes, which had now changed into a murderous red. I looked around me; the Fellowship started falling hard to the ground one by one, losing their consciousness.

"Sweet Alice in Wonderland." I muttered under my breath, "What have I _done_?" I quickly reached for the holy water in my pocket, and Mary screeched like a banshee at my sudden movement, and lunged at me. Ducking under the table, I was able to avoid her for a moment. She came at me again, drawing her sword.

At this point, I hated Pandora; it started "Hit Me with Your Best Shot" once she drew out her weapon. Cursing, I sprinted over to the swing set and opened the bottle of holy water, taking off again when she got too close. Getting the idea from Harry Potter, I poured a bit of the holy water onto my hand, and turned around to face Mary. Believe me, I was scared to the point that I was going to scream like a little girl, but this had to be done. As Mary closed in on me, I held up my hand, and Mary lifted her sword above her head.

Dodging her sword; I slapped my hand smack right in the middle of her face. Just as I hoped, Mary reeled back in pain and screamed like a harpy. The noise was so sonic, I swear my ears would've started bleeding on the spot if I hadn't had my headphones plugged into my ears with my music blaring Pat Benatar.

Lucky for me, Mary had dropped her sword when she fell backward, and I took my chance to try and wake up some of the Fellowship. This might sound like a _stupid_ idea, but I couldn't do this myself, I needed help. I decided to try and wake up Gandalf first, it seemed like he was the only one that wasn't affected by Mary's spell. Shaking him violently, but with no avail, I jumped up and started running again, this time; out of the park and toward the subdivision next to the park, thinking that if I ran fast enough, I could lose her, and once I did lose her, I would run back to the park and try to wake up Gandalf again.

Sprinting toward the division, with adrenaline kicking in, I heard her screech behind me, and kicked it into high gear, heading up and down streets. The only good thing coming out of this was that I was hopefully going to be more than ready for cross country this year.

When I didn't hear her screech again, I slowed down and looked behind me, in front of me, and side to side. I didn't see her anywhere. I cautiously continued running, looking down any other streets she could be possibly hiding in, waiting to attack me when she saw me.

I didn't see her at all, and I sped up to get back to the park. Lucky for me, Gandalf had already awakened and was looking around for us.

_"Gandalf!"_ I shouted to him.

"Alex, what has happened?" He asked me.

"No," I wheezed, fighting to get some breath in my lungs, "idea. Mary went _berserk_ when I told her to shut up. She went into some kind of demon-mode and started trying to kill me, you guys lost your consciousness, and now she's after me." I explained hurriedly, trying to get it out so that he could help me.

Gandalf nodded, "Wake the others." He ordered as he went off to go find Mary.

Many of them were asking me what happened when I woke them up, some asked why I was so winded, and most of them asked both. I told them pretty much a really short summary of what happened, and to my surprise; they didn't believe me. Looking at them a second time, their eyes were glassy, and they didn't show too much emotion. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Mary was like the Incredible Hulk, the angrier she got, the more powerful she got. I had to douse her with the holy water and fast.

Gandalf returned just then and I told him my theory, and he in turn told me where Mary was; and, to tell you the truth, in kind of scared me. She saw him and started to follow him back. Fortunately, she was way on the other end of the street.

"Ah, crabapples." I cursed, "I'm going to need to douse her with the holy water, I think it's the only way to release the others from her grasp. I'm going to get on the playground set in order to gain some height and hopefully take her by surprise." Gandalf nodded as he cast a glance over his shoulder.

"She's coming." He informed. I ran up to the upper levels of the playground set and crouched down, trying to hide the best I could behind the bars. Gandalf turned around to face Mary head on, to distract her from trying to kill me.

As Mary rounded the corner of the street, she seemed to relax when she didn't see me, and approached Gandalf with a sickeningly sweet smile on her face, "Gandalf, where did Alex take off to?"

"She went back home to retrieve something." Gandalf lied, "She will return shortly."

Mary scowled when at Gandalf's lie, "But Gandalf, she _hates_ me, I don't _want_ her to come back."

Gandalf placed a hand on Mary's shoulder in false comfort, "She is our only hope in getting back to Middle Earth, and we have no other choice but to trust her."

Mary started to whine even more, "She doesn't know what she is _doing_."

I slowly stood up waiting for my cue; when Gandalf moves away from Mary to walk back over to the ramada. I tried my absolute hardest to not be noticed by her. I was surely hoping the holy water would work against her to it's full effect, because if it didn't; I was royally screwed.

"Come," Gandalf said, "Let's wait for her return." He moved away toward the ramada, and I took my chance.

_"The power of Christ compels you; foul demon!"_ I yelled and poured the holy water down on top of her head from my position. She looked up just in time for the water to strike her right in the face, she screamed at the top of her lungs in pain as her dark aura returned, and the Fellowship members – excluding Gandalf – fell to the ground again in unconsciousness. I could've sworn I heard her scream out an incantation, but I was too focused on getting rid of the Sue that I didn't pay to much attention. When the holy water was spent, I couldn't see anything but white. At first I thought I had died; my second thought was that Mary had put some kind of spell on me that took away my sight, my final thought was that it was vortex; that Mary's death was so powerful it propelled the Fellowship back to Middle Earth.

The third thought was right on the dot.

I opened my eyes and sat up. I no longer saw the jungle gym in a small town Arizona, but a plain. Weird, Arizona had no plains, but plateaus, and Arizona was certainly not this green; even if it was monsoon season. It was also way too open to be anywhere near my home, there were no homes anywhere as far as my eyes could see. Oh Sweet Alice in Wonderland; I'm in Middle Earth.

Standing up, I looked around, I saw the Fellowship just a few yards away. However, something was wrong. I know I'm only five feet four inches, but was it just me or did the Fellowship grow immensely. As they stirred, I started to run toward them, but it was taking longer than usual. Now, that was strange. And now that they had released from Mary's spell, hopefully they would be back to their original selves.

Legolas was one of the first to get to his feet, and I nearly fell over at his height. Now I'm for something that something happened in that explosion. I didn't know what though, but I was bound and determined to find out.

After everyone had stood up, they shook their heads and looked around, confused at what had just happened.

"How in the world did we get back here, not that I'm complaining." Merry remarked.

Gandalf straightened up and replied, "The destruction of our suspicious companion must have been so powerful, it helped us get back."

"Alex did it, then!" Pippin cheered, "She said she would help us get home, and she did!"

"I wish we could've had a chance to say thanks, though." Frodo added.

Boromir started to walk around trying to figure out where they had landed, "We must be in the same place we were before we ended up in her world." As he took some more steps forward, the daunting height of the Gondorian made my eyes widen to the size of my mother's wedding china platters. Sudden realization hit me, Mary's incantation must've been made to destroy me as well, but she didn't get a chance to finish it. She must've just made me diminutive in height, either that or people in Middle Earth were frickin' giants.

As his giant form came closer, I knew I was going to be crushed by him if I didn't say something, right when his foot was about to stomp down on my head, I summoned up everything in me to scream out.

_**"HEY!"**_

That was enough to get everyone's attention; they were now looking around for me.

"Alex is here?" Legolas asked, looking around everywhere.

"Yes." Boromir choked out as he looked down at me, "I almost killed her."

"What are you saying, Boromir?" Aragorn asked as he walked up to him.

Boromir stopped him before he could get any farther than his shoulder. He stared straight into his eyes and said as he pointed down on the ground in front of him, "Down there."

Aragorn looked down and his eyes widened as he saw me. I must have been only five inches tall, I concluded.

"Alex, how did this happen?" Aragorn knelt down and offered his hand for me to jump into.

As I climbed into his hand, the rest of the Fellowship gathered around him, looking suspiciously into his hand. I felt like Stuart Little, only without the tail.

"Good _gracious_," Gandalf breathed, "Mary must've done this."

"Our companion claiming to be a wizard?" Sam asked.

"Yes," Gandalf raised his hand up and I hopped from Aragorn to Gandalf.

"I think it has something to do with the incantation I thought I heard." I explained to them, "I think she meant to destroy me, but when she realized she couldn't do it, I guess degrading me was the next best thing. But that's not important right now, I have to get home."

"I don't think you can," Gandalf said sadly, "Mary's death by your holy water was what brought us back, and I don't suppose you can find any more of those Mary Sues and holy water."

"Crabapples, you're right, Gandalf." I slapped my forehead, "Christianity and Catholicism doesn't exist here, so I can't get any more holy water."

"Is she stuck here until we can find her a way home, Gandalf?" Sam asked.

"I'm afraid so." Gandalf looked at me, "I am sorry, Alex."

I waved my hand, "Don't be sorry. It's _me_ that's stuck like this, _I_ should be the one apologizing, I'm going to be a burden to you guys, especially when I'm this height. I can't defend myself."

"You will not be a burden, Alex." Frodo assured, "Especially when you are this size. Although I must admit that it will be hard to keep track of you when you are less than a foot tall."

"How about this then, so there's not too much panic over me trying to keep track of me, how about I'll just stay on your shoulders or you can carry me in your hand." I suggested. "I can pretty much take care of myself; it's just the matter of not getting stepped on or being mistaken as food by a bird."

Aragorn held out his hand for me again, and I jumped into it, "Sound like a plan?"

"I think it is the only one we have that will ensure your safety." Boromir laughed.

"Just don't step on me." I glared at Boromir jokingly, folding my arms.

**Author's Rambling**

**Oh noes! I'm so tiny! I thought since I know nothing of defending myself with a sword or a longbow, and guns don't exist; I'd be useless. So I decided to make myself even more useless...either that I just wanted an excuse to be the size of an iPod Touch.  
**


	5. Installment Five: Don't Let Them Eat Me

Author's Babbling:

HELLO EVERYONE!

I am terribly sorry I haven't updated this story. Writer's block has been a pain in my arse. I've also been busy with school and volunteering and friends and what have you. So, I'm sorry I haven't updated lately, hopefully from now on updates will be more swift. Enjoy my sarcasm everyone!

Installment Five – Don't Let Them Eat Me

Location: Somewhere in Middle Earth

Date: I have no idea

Time: Midmorning…I think

Weeks passed and I was still riding on people's shoulders and using Pippin's scarf as a bed. No one has almost crushed me with their feet yet, but I did have a few close calls when they dropped their packs down on the ground to rest for the night. Someone would forget I was on their shoulder and take my feet out from under me, almost making me plummet to my demise. This often happened with Boromir and his shield, he always caught me when he realized that I was still with him, but it left me fuming at him for quite a while, and I would leave him to go bother someone else.

There were perks to only being five inches tall. One was you never ate much of the food supply, so I wouldn't feel guilty when I became hungry, because I just ate the crumbs basically. Another perk was that I could hide in someone's hood when I wanted to sleep during the day. However, the downsides kind of outweighed the perks; I could die in more ways than they could: I could get eaten by a bird or some other small carnivorous creature, I could get stepped on, I could fall to my death, and so many others. I didn't let that stop me though.

When we stopped for the night, I would tell them stories of my world and shenanigans that my friends got into. I once told them the story of the exploding semi my family and I encountered while we were staying in a hotel in Quartzite, some were even laughing at the way I described it to them, and others were slightly concerned that I was that close to such a large fire. I became friends with everyone once I got to know everyone. I was still deathly silent while we walked though, a few of them even commented that they even forgot I was with them I was so quiet. I'm really not surprised that they say that, though, most people tend to forget I'm with them.

It was probably about midmorning when we had stopped for a little rest before pressing on. Boromir was training Merry and Pippin with Aragorn in the background, Frodo and Sam were silently watching as well. Gandalf, Gimli, and Legolas were standing a little farther away. And myself? Well, Boromir had nearly killed me again with that shield of his, so I was keeping my distance. He almost didn't catch me that time. So, instead of hanging out with anybody near him, I stood on Legolas' shoulder, out of plain fear.

"That's the sixth time I nearly died today." I muttered.

"You counted?" Legolas laughed.

"Yes," I replied. Before continuing, I started turning my head slowly toward his to add a dramatic effect, "I counted."

The elf rolled his eyes, and said nothing more.

I turned around just in time to see Boromir get taken down by the two hobbits he had been sparring with. I nearly busted a gut trying to contain my laughter; he got what was coming to him. I almost wanted to shout to him that's what he got for almost killing me, but he probably wouldn't have heard me anyway. When Aragorn tried to break them up, but ended up falling on his arse courtesy of Merry and Pippin, all bets were off, and I started laughing.

When I had stopped – which was literally five seconds later – I saw the black mass that was heading straight for our makeshift encampment. It was those possessed crows that I hated so much. I hope they don't eat me.

"Crebain from Dunland!"

"Hide!"

And with that, everyone scattered, trying to find a place to abscond before the crows came. And in his haste, Legolas forgot I was on his shoulder, and I nearly fell off…again. Meant as a joke, I shouted out 'Seven!' Lucky for me though, the G-Force threw me to the front, and not backward, so Legolas caught me before I could fall and become food for the birds.

"Don't let them eat me." I squeaked feebly. I was still being carried by Legolas when we all dived in various places to avoid being seen by the idiot birds. These stupid winged beasts were more annoying than my own parakeet; I never thought that would be possible. They circled over the area we had just been resting at before taking off in a different direction. Everyone crawled out of their hiding places.

"You are so dead when I'm back to normal size." I pointed at Legolas and gave him the dirtiest look I could give him. He just smirked and shook his head. "I'm serious."

I shut up after that, I was tired. I was having a hard time getting sleep in Middle Earth, the time zones were off and sometimes these guys would keep me up telling stories of their homelands and interesting stories of things that have happened to them. Not that I didn't enjoy them, it's just that the time difference in Middle Earth combined with these guys' rampant insomnia – to me at least – is really making me wish there was such a thing as Melatonin in Middle Earth. I love the stories they tell, and late at night I try my best to stay awake so they don't think that they're boring me. One time I failed epically; I passed out from exhaustion right in the middle of Merry and Pippin's story of when they were lifting crops from Farmer Maggot. I was perched on Pippin's shoulder snuggling with his scarf against the cold, when out of the blue; I guess I fell forward because I woke up in Pippin's hand with the two of them looking at me with concern.

I asked Legolas if he could pass me to Frodo so I could snooze in his hood. He obliged and gave me to the Ringbearer.

"Are you tired, Alex?" Frodo asked while helping me get to his shoulder.

"Very, the time difference is wreaking havoc on my psyche." I replied. Luckily for me, Frodo said nothing else and left me to slide down and disappear into his hood. It was dark, comfortable, and cozy, perfect for me to sleep. I curled up and let the rhythmic beat of the hobbit's footsteps soothe me to sleep.

I awoke from my dreamless sleep sometime later and climbed out of Frodo's hood. I greeted the hobbit and looked at my surroundings; it looked as if we were at the foot of the mountain range we were going to scale, and then later turn right back around to take a different path.

We stopped to rest and the guys continued telling me stories. This made me think that they must have much more interesting lives than I do. I sat in front of the computer all day and read CreepyPasta stuff and listen to music all day. Then on the weekends I go to the horses and do my daily grind, go home, and repeat the weekday cycle.

"Do you have any other stories you can tell us Miss Alex?" Sam asked me.

"Not really." I replied, "I already told you all of Yosemite, the exploding truck in Quartzite, my déjà vu dream, Canada, and everything else that would have been even remotely interesting."

"That's a shame." Merry remarked, "I thought with all of the strange objects that you have in your world that you would have much more."

I glared at him and jested, "Are you, sir, suggesting that I'm a hermit?"

Merry was taken aback, "No, quite the opposite –"

"I was kidding, Meriadoc." I laughed.

Merry smiled as he caught on, "Oh, alright then."

"Can you tell us any stories from your world that didn't happen to you, but were passed down to you by a parent?" Sam asked.

I strange little dark mind almost immediately went to CreepyPasta, and I shuddered, "Not unless you wish to be plagued with nightmares."

Aragorn smirked at my reply, "Let us not tell those stories, we will be startled by every shadow."

My mind wanting to torment me further went to a particular story, and I shuddered again, "Yeah, listen to the Ranger folks; he's been around the block a few times."

That was when we all heard some rustling and we all turned to try and figure out where it came from. Well, the Fellowship turned, I – being taken away somewhere else by my mind at the time – started and nearly fell off Sam's shoulder and into the fire he was tending to.

I regained my balance and looked in the direction everyone else was looking to and saw was I had feared – and slightly hoped – for. It was another Mary Sue, and from the looks of it, this one was created to be a Ranger. The only reason I had hoped for one of these was so that maybe they could return me to normal size. It was a long shot, but it could work.

"I have been looking for you everywhere, I apologize, I was supposed to attend the council –" She began.

"But you got shanghaied by orcs and were held captive until after they had all set out to destroy the one item which could potentially mean the apocalypse if it fell into the wrong hands in which you mysteriously were able to escape from these said servants of this Dark Lord by somehow slitting all of their throats despite having all of your weapons confiscated and having your hands and feet bound and mouth gagged." I finished, some of the members of the Fellowship, mostly Pippin, looked at me with slight amazement.

The woman also looked at me with amazement. "Why yes, how did you know?"

I smirked, "I'm from…the future." I stood up and waved my arms in front of me like they did in the cartoons while shooting her with an intense stare. I saw a few of the guys cover their mouths to hide their smiles, and others coughing to try and hide their laughter. "But seriously though how the hell did you find us?"

"I have been tracking you since Rivendell." She answered, "Pardon me, but may I ask, who are you?"

"I am the great and all powerful invader and proxy of the other worlds of this universe and supreme ruler of the Underworld, but you can call me Alex." I replied. Some of the guys, mostly Merry and Pippin, started to snicker at the bullshit I was spewing. "Your turn. Who are you?"

This Mary Sue, just like the last one, gave me another amazing long and complex elvish (at least I think it was that) name that I wouldn't be able to pronounce for the life of me, so I decided to troll.

"Okay Susan." I smiled, I mentally slapped myself though – my mother's name is Susan. God damn it why do these references to Mary Sues always have to be the same names as my family members? Why?

The girl scowled, "That is not my name."

"Well send me to hell from being from America where your language doesn't even exist." I grinned. My brain hatched an idea just then. "Hey Sue, before we get into a heated argument, any chance you can maybe change me back to normal size?"

"You are not a strange creature that was born like that?" She stepped forward and analyzed me.

"Um, no." I couldn't tell if that was an insult or a curious observation, "My regular height is five feet and one inch."

"So you are the size of a Mortal, I see. I can change you back, my friend." She replied.

"Thank you, finally." I sighed in relief.

I was set on the ground and the woman crouched down to get a better view of what she was about to perform an incantation on. She hovered a hand over my head – which worried me deeply – closed her eyes, and start to mutter some words I couldn't understand. I felt shaky and a little nauseous, and then everything started to become more proportionate before I had shrunk.

After a few seconds of uncertainty, I looked around and saw that the hobbits were now shorter than I was. I had grown back to my normal size.

"Finally, no more eating crumbs and sleeping in scarves." I said.

A few members laughed, including the woman.

"I will travel with you all," the woman declared, "As I said, I was supposed to arrive at the council, but I was delayed, I will travel with you as a companion." The Fellowship nodded reluctantly.

After a few minutes of getting acquainted we packed up our things and set off again, Sue was in the front, claiming to be the better guide in this area of the mountainside, so she couldn't hear what the rest of us were about to agree on.

"Okay everyone, keep your wits about you. This is another Mary Sue we've got, and I don't have any holy water with me for this one. I don't know what will happen to her, but we'll think of something I'm sure. Just keep your wits and stay vigilant around her and everything will be fine. I may need your guys' help on this one, so don't go all _loca en la cabeza comprenden_?" I said.

"I'm not sure what that last part meant, but I understand the situation." Boromir nodded, some others agreed as well.

"What did those words even mean, lass?" Gimli asked.

"It was Spanish for 'crazy in the head, understand?'" I replied.

"Ah, I see." Gandalf nodded.

"I'm just glad I'm back to normal size, now nothing can eat me…" I stopped and chewed on that thought for a moment, then continued with, "except for the creatures that are trying to hinder us."

"But at least you don't have to worry about those dreaded birds now." Frodo smiled.

"Yes, exactly, thank you!" I rejoiced to the amusement of the Fellowship.

The only thing we weren't rejoicing about was the fact that this Mary Sue was going to be particularly hard to get rid of without the holy water.


End file.
